My life as a Mommy of 4 little boys

Thursday, February 11, 2010


I couldn't tell you many dates in history.  I can't remember when certain wars happened, when people were born, elected presidents, when things were invented...dates just aren't really my thing.  But there are certain dates I could never forget.  Those would be my children's birthdays, my anniversary, my immediate family's birthdays and then the day my Father died.  That last one especially.  It's been a hard couple of weeks.  

It's been 2yrs as of January 30th that my Daddy passed away.  I have always been Daddy's lil girl.  I knew it, he knew it, everyone knew it.  I was always extra special with him.  Maybe as a father it's wrong to tell one child that, but he did, many times growing up.  We had some really bad times as a family, things I won't talk about here, it was really rough those last few years but up until the very end I was there for him and he was always there for me.  I miss him so much lately.  

I hate what happened to him, I hate that he knowingly did it, he died from alcoholism, it completely shut down his body.  It was the same thing his father died from.  He knew it.  And I believe with all my heart he was so ready to go but it doesn't make it any easier.  He's no longer in pain, he is no longer sad but the selfish part of me wishes he was still here anyways.  

I hate for my kids that they will never know what an amazing man he was before the alcohol fully took over.  Landon remembers him, but not much.  He remembers in him the hospital, though he saw him after that too.  That's the image that has stuck with him.  Casen was too young to really remember anything.  And he never got a chance to meet Hayden.  They really missed out on a relationship with their paw paw and I wish I could get that back for them.

You know the song Small Town Southern Man by Alan Jackson?  I heard that song a couple days after my Dad died while on the way to Heather's house and the words just hit me like a ton of bricks.  That song reminded me so much of him.  I actually had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears.  He did everything in his life for his family, aside from his drinking.  The drinking, now that was for him.  It consumed him.  If anyone has ever wondered why I feel so strongly about alcohol, there is your reason.  We do not allow it in our house, I refuse to cook with it, my kids are not around people that drink, we never subjected them to him drunk and will never EVER drink in front of them.  I will not put them through what I had to grow up with.  I was really angry with my Dad for a long time, even though I always loved him, that never wavered.  But it's like the anger is finally gone, now all it is is pain from loosing him.  I wish he would have been able to overcome his drinking.  He was only 48, I was 21, too young to lose a parent.  

I think something that has made this week much harder is I was talking to Dessa the other day (my little sister) and she asked if I had realized it was 2yrs and "7" days since Dad had died.  I corrected her and said no it was 8 days.  She said no it was the 31st.  I couldn't believe it.  She had the wrong date.  How could she not remember????  She swore up and down I was the one that was wrong, that her and mom had talked about it.  WOW mom too???  I found something to show her she was wrong and she was so upset that she had thought the wrong date.  I called my mom and told her too and she admitted I was right.  But that she had somehow gotten mixed up.  I don't understand it.  How can you possibly forget??? It's only been 2yrs, she was married to him for over 20yrs.  I just don't get it.  It hurts so bad that her new boyfriend seems to be taking over her life.  He has taken my place as her best friend.  I was there with her through everything, my dad loosing his job, getting worse with his drinking, in and out of the hospital and rehab.  I flew with my 3 boys to TX and stayed with her for a month when he died.  I'm supposed to be her best friend, I'm the one that she is supposed to talk to.  But he has taken that from me.  I hate him.  And no it's not one of those things where you hate the new guy.  It's HIM.  There is something not right about him, he gives me a horrible feeling...something is NOT right.  But now she doesn't remember the date?  It just hurts so bad that it seems not to matter anymore.  How can it not?

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