Yesterday's crappy update :(

Last night I was just too upset about the day to sit and write this so I put it off until today, today has been a much better day so I'll update with that after this.

We took all 3 boys up to the hospital yesterday to give Stephanie a break, she's been such a huge help and staying with the boys everyday for us.  When we got to the hospital I went in alone and Mark stayed in the family room with the boys.  First thing I noticed was he was in an open crib, yay!!!!  No oxygen, no IV fluids but did have the IV still in because he's on antibiotics because it looked like his PICC line was getting infected and they have to give those antibiotics over an hour through IV.  Then I look over at his "bedside" the counter next to his bed...and there was a box of newborn formula!!!!!!  I was NOT happy.  I asked his nurse if that was for him, knowing the answer because they can't put anything for another baby there.  She said yes because his next feeding (due in 20min) there was only 35ml left in a bottle of breastmilk in the fridge and he needed 60ml.  I then asked if she had checked the freezer because they are supposed to let me know when they are running low and yesterday it was fine.  She said NO...she hadn't even checked!!!  WTF?!?!  He's ONLY had breastmilk, you see pumped milk in the fridge why in the world wouldn't you check and make sure you were actually out before getting formula out???  So that pissed me off from the start, didn't like her from the beginning.  BTW there was plenty of milk still in the freezer :|  She then asked me if I wanted to hold him and I said yes so she looked at the clock and said "oh his touch time isn't until 1:30" I was like wtf...that's for yall, not when we can touch him.  So I was just like whatever.  Asked how he'd been doing with his bottles because that 1:30 feed would have been 24hrs from starting them...she tells me he hasn't had anymore that his respiratory rate has been too high, it was fine right then.  So I just walked over to his bed and he was kind of half awake half asleep so I just touched his head and was talking to him, she then tells me "why don't you go pump so he has fresh milk".  Like she was pretty much telling me not to touch him and go do something else.  By this point I was getting really mad and upset and even though it had only been 1.5hrs since I last pumped I went and did it anyway.

So went to pump and then brought her that milk so he'd have fresh for that next feed.  She says she'll let him try a bottle and I can do it.  But first she has me take his temp, change his diaper and put his "littlest brother" shirt from Landon on him.  He had never worn any clothes before so he was not pleased with me, what baby really likes having their diaper changed and a shirt put over their head anyway...so he got really worked up.  She hands him to me and gives me the bottle and starts watching the monitors at his respiratory rate.  She gave him 30sec to calm down and me trying to give him the bottle, which he never even sucked on and she took it from me and said his rate was too high it had to go in his feeding tube.  I was soooo upset.  First time ever getting to give him a bottle and we weren't even given a chance.  So I held him while it went through his feeding tube, about 1min after she had taken the bottle he snuggled up to me and his respiratory rate was perfect through the entire feed, if she had just given him a minute to calm back down we could have fed but no.

After that I went out to the waiting room with Mark and told him what happened and just started crying. He went in and talked to the charge nurse, he was so mad.  Then he had them send the dr out and we told her what happened too.  We then asked for him to be moved to special care, she agreed he was ready and said she just wanted to watch him overnight and then he could go over Sunday.  I didn't go back in there I was too upset so we just came home.  I was really upset the rest of the day.  It's been getting harder and harder and the past few nights have been really bad, especially last night, I just really want my baby home.  I feel like I carried a baby pretty much full term then suddenly I wasn't pregnant but have nothing to show for it.  I didn't have any recovery time because I've been going nonstop dealing with him and the boys, but he isn't home so it's like he isn't really my baby.  I'm so lucky though that I have Mark.  He has been amazing, so supportive and he just feels so bad that I'm upset, he would do anything to make me feel better, which it upsets him there is nothing he can do.   We are perfect together, his bad days somehow I'm stronger and able to be there for him and then on my bad days he can do the same for me.